


the truth is out there

by shizuoh



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aliens, Alternate Universe - College/University, Attempt at Humor, Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Memes, Texting, ao3 deleted like half of it the first time, its supposed to be funny i swear, kinda its jsut an au, time 2 die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-16
Updated: 2016-03-16
Packaged: 2018-05-27 04:26:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6269626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shizuoh/pseuds/shizuoh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I work at NASA," Hajime said, setting down his coffee.</p><p>Oikawa immediately jumped up and slammed his palms against the table. "I'll suck your dick if you tell me about the aliens."</p>
            </blockquote>





	the truth is out there

**Author's Note:**

> THE FIRST TIME I POSTED THIS IT DELETED LIKE HALF OF IT IM SO UPSET
> 
> (credit to my friend adrian who, in his text, said: "If ur sugar daddy was a guy at nasa could u suck his dick for info about the aliens")
> 
> note: JAXA is actually the japan version of NASA but fuck it

In all honesty, he had just met the guy (kind of—they had met two times prior and coincidentally, at his favorite book store). If anything, he was expecting this date to be awkward, maybe a few shy touches here and there. From what he knew about the guy, he was in his last year of college—a science major—and planned into go into some kind of career that, and he quotes, "had to do with aliens".

So, maybe he shouldn't have been surprised when the guy asked what he did for a living at their first official date.

"I work at NASA," Hajime said, setting down his coffee.

Oikawa immediately jumped up and slammed his palms against the table. "I'll suck your dick if you tell me about the aliens."

Hajime's mind went blank just as he was about to politely (not) inform him that he, in fact, did _not_ work with the actual astronauts. He was a geologist, usually only working with mapping the terrains of terrestrial planets, and occasionally got to handle some of the sample material that came from space.

But Oikawa's face was determined, like he actually meant it. Hajime's throat went dry, and he glanced around awkwardly. People were giving them strange looks; a barista was raising their eyebrow at him as they handed a customer his coffee, and a mother with two young children was sending him a scandalized stare. Hajime opened his mouth, and looked back towards Oikawa, who was still standing and looming over him, waiting for an answer.

Hajime just deadpanned, "It's still the first date."

Oikawa's mouth pitched into an annoying pout, and he clicked his tongue. "Fiiine," he whined, and plopped unceremoniously back into his seat. Hajime was beginning to regret ever agreeing to a date with this guy (even if he _was_ annoyingly attractive—goddamn it).

"Can you _not_ suddenly declare things like that in _public?_ " Hajime sighed, slapping his hand against his forehead and slumping in his chair slightly.

"Eh?" Oikawa actually looked confused, like the very thought of it baffled him. "Why?"

Hajime felt like hitting him. "Because, dumbass, we're in public. Save that stuff for the bedroom."

Oikawa scoffed, putting a hand to his chest like the drama king he was. Ugh. But then he leaned forward, eyes lidded, eyes sharp, and drawled, "Are you suggesting something, Iwa-chan?"

There it was. That godawful nickname Oikawa had pinned on him the second time they saw each other.

Hajime just crossed his arms. "No."

Oikawa flipped his hair—maybe in some weird attempt to look sexy. "But, _Iwa-chan_ ," he chuckled, wrapping his lips around the straw of his drink, and even daring to playfully _lick_ it, "don't you want to—"

"I'm not telling you about aliens."

"DAMN IT."

 

* * *

 

 

3:01 _Iwa-chan r u awake_

3:01 _pls I know ur awake u kno there's a read thingy right_

 

3:07 _IWA-CHAN_

 

3:08 I'M TRYING TO SLEEP

 

3:08 _sleep later_

3:08 _this is more important_

 

3:09 I will actually kick your ass

 

3:10 _kinky_

3:10 _anyways_

3:10 _what do u do at NASA_

 

3:11 Not this again.

 

3:11 _IT IS AN IMPORTANT QUESTION_

 

3:12 I already told you, I'm a geologist

 

3:13 _BUT I GOOGLED IT AND IT SAID THAT YOU WORK WITH MAPPING PLANETS AND WORKING WITH THE PLANET STUFF_

3:13 _THAT MEANS YOU HAVE S E E N THEM_

 

3:14 Go to bed Oikawa

 

3:15 _IWA-CHAN ANSWER ME_

 

3:16 Are you honestly this invested in aliens?

 

3:17 _YES_

3:17 _I CAN PROVIDE SOME EXAMPLES_

3:17 _AHEM_

 

3:18 Don't bother, I'm going to bed

 

3:19 _AT AGE 12, IN THE RIPE BLOSSOMING OF PUBERTY, I WAS STARGAZING AND SAW A SHOOTING STAR_

3:19 _RIGHT AFTER THAT I SAW A_

3:19 _GUESS_

3:20 _SINCE UR DEAD APPARENTLY ILL TELL YOU_

3:20 _A UFO!!!!_

3:20 _IT WAS REAL TOO BC I SAW IT WITH MY OWN BEAUTIFUL EYES_

3:21 _I HAVE ALIEN STUFF_

3:21 _BY THAT I MEAN A BUNCH OF MOVIES_

3:22 _IVE SEEN THE ALIEN SERIES APPROXIMATELY 84 TIMES AND AM FULLY PREPARED TO DEFEND MYSELF AGAINST AN EVIL ALIEN_

3:22 _(Id totally join an alien in its efforts tbh)_

3:23 _BUT THATS NOT HTE POINT_

 

3:23 Do you even sleep

 

3:24 _ONE MUST ALWAYS BE PREPARED_

 

3:25 Oikawa, just go to sleep.

3:25 The aliens won't want to abduct a creepy, sleep-deprived guy in footie alien pajamas

 

3:26 _[photo]_

 

3:27 Holy shit you actually have alien footie pajamas

 

3:28 _Im dedicated_

3:28 _Ill go to sleep after u answer this question_

 

3:29 Fine.

 

3:29 _have u thought about my offer_

 

3:30 What offer

 

3:31 _uh the one about suckin ur dick for alien info duh lol_

 

3:32 Were you actually serious or are you just messing around

 

3:33 _tbh idk_

3:33 _Id totally suck ur dick tho ngl_

3:33 _but thats not the point_

 

3:34 And what is?

 

3:35 _you have info about the aliens and i need it right now immediately asap_

 

3:36 Goodnight Oikawa

 

3:37 _but_

 

3:40 _IWA-CHAN_

 

3:50 _FINE ILL GO TO BED_

3:50 _BUT YOU GOTTA GET BACK TO ME ABOUT THAT_

 

* * *

 

 

"Kuroo-chaaaaaaaaaaaaan."

"Keep your moaning inside the bedroom, thanks."

Oikawa buried his face in his arms and gave a whine. Kuroo scoffed, rolling his eyes, and took another drink of his free coffee (stolen from behind the counter and, hey, he's chill with his boss so it's all good). When Oikawa gave another muffled groan, he flicked his fingers against his ahoge, causing the other to jolt upwards.

"You look dead," Kuroo said plainly.

Oikawa stuck his tongue out at him. "I was up all _night_ sexting Iwa-chan."

"Let me see then." Kuroo held out his hand expectantly, eyeing Oikawa's phone for a few moments and then sending him a knowing look.

Oikawa grabbed his phone and held it to his chest protectively, glaring at Kuroo's phone and narrowing his eyes. "...No."

Kuroo shrugged. "How many dates have you gone on?"

"One," Oikawa replied, and added, "but the bookstore parts count, plus we text all the time."

"And yet you're still constantly ranting to me about how you want to—"

" _LISTEN_. "

Kuroo raised one of his brows. He took another drink of his coffee, and then tapped his finger against his chin. "Just send him that alien thing you send me all the time."

Oikawa blinked a few times. He quickly held up one finger and turned to his phone, mumbling out a _I have it saved on here_ and then tapping a few things.

 

12:34 _I sexually identify as an alien. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of traveling across the universe anally probing disgusting inferior species. People say to me that a person being an alien is impossible and I’m fucking retarded but I don’t care, I’m beautiful. I’m having a plastic surgeon install abduction beams on my body. From now on I want you guys to call me “Ayy Lmao” and respect my right to abduct cows from above and kill needlessly. If you can’t accept me you’re a xenophobe and need to check your earthling privilege. Thank you for being so understanding._

 

12:35 What the fuck

 

"Is this how you intend to win him over?"

Oikawa shrugged. "Gotta show your true self early on." He set his phone down on the table absentmindedly and sighed, turning his head away. Occasionally glancing back down at his phone, rereading the messages, he smiled underneath his hand and bit his lip. He wondered what Iwaizumi was doing. Was he at NASA, right now, effectively NOT telling Oikawa about the aliens despite his many irresistible offers? Maybe he was wearing a suit. Maybe even _glasses_. Oh, _God_ , what if he—

"Dude, I can feel your gay from over here."

Oikawa rolled his eyes. "Like you can talk," he scoffed, and batted his eyelashes innocently. "Speaking of gay, how are you and Kenma doing?"

"Perfect," Kuroo replied, sounding so _sickeningly_ in love, "and, unlike you, I can actually get some."

Oikawa made an offended noise, leaning back and putting a hand on his chest. "Once I get to bang Iwa-chan, I'm snapchatting you _during_ it."

"I'd like to see you try. He'd probably kill you."

Oikawa pouted, turning his head away. He drilled his fingers against the table, his eyes flickering to the bathroom. "I'll be right back," he said softly and got up, seemingly lost in thought.

Kuroo watched him leave with an odd look, and then his eyes settled on Oikawa's phone. He never left it alone unless he was deep in thought. Kuroo glanced from the bathroom door closing, and then back to the phone.

It was now or never.

 

* * *

 

 

Oikawa stretched his arms above his head as he came back, fluffing out his hair a bit. Once he saw Kuroo whistling innocently and making a show of grinning at him, he narrowed his eyes. Then he noticed his phone was .2 inches from where he had last left it, and he panicked.

"What did you do," he said gravelly as he quickly picked up his phone and scrolled through his messages. 

What he saw made him want to scream.

 

12:37  _What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo._

12:37 _hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!! DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <\--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!! love and waffles, t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m_

12:38  _I wake with the sight of Thomas the Tank engine at the foot of my bed. I welcome him to my home and offer him some water. He declines and says “Come with me to Sodor.” I come with to Sodor where I meet Sir Toptam hat. He tells me that Sodor is where I should live for the rest of my life. I said yes and came to the junction to get a house. I wake up and realize that it was a dream, and wish I was back. My parents take me to therapy because I know I was there. I was told to forget Sodor and Thomas, but I can’t. I love Thomas and I want to live with him forever._

12:38  _I sexually identify as john cena. ever since I was a boy I dreamed of five knuckle shuffling hot sticky loads on to disgusting wrestlers. people tell me that it is impossible for someone to be john cena and that I am fucking retarded but I dont care. I am having surgeons install five knuckle shuffles and you cant see me next week. I would like you to all refer to me as john cena from now on. thank you for being so understanding_

 

And then, finally, the worst one:

 

12:39  _Omg hai ___^ I’m anon-san and I absolutely luuuv @__@ anime <3 and my fav is naurto!!! Okies so anyways, im going to tell you about the BEST day of my life when I met my hot husband sasuke!! <333333333 OMFGZ HE WAS SOOOOO FREAKIN KAWAII IN PERSON!!! Supa kawaii desu!!!!!!!! ^___________________________________^ When I walked onto Tokyo street =____=I looked up and saw…SASUKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333!!!! “ KONNICHIWA OMGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ SUPA SUPA SUPA KAWAII SASUKE-SAMA!!!!!” I yelled n____n then he turned chibi then un-chibi!! he looked at me [O.O;;;;;;;;;;;] and then he saw how hot I am *___* he grabbed my hand and winked ~_^ then pulled me behind a pocky shop o_o and started to kiss me!!!!!! [OMG!!! HIS TOUNGE TASTED LIKE RAMEN!!! RLY!! >.> <.< >.< (O) (O) (O)] then I saw some baka fat bitch watching us and I could tell she was undressing him with her eyes!!!!!!! [ -___________-;;;;; OMG I COULDN’T BELIEVE IT EITHER!!! (ò_ó) (ò_ó) (ò_ó)] so I yelled “UH UH BAKA NEKO THAT’S MY MAN WHY DON’T YOU GO HOOK UP WITH NARUTO CAUSE SASUKE-SAMA LOVES ME!!! (ò_ó)” then sasuke held me close =^= and said he would only ever love me and kissed me again!!!!!!! ** (O)/ then we went to his apartment and banged all night long and made 42 babies and they all became ninjas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nyaaaaa!!! (^___<)_

 

"KUROO TESTUROU HOW COULD YOU," Oikawa yelled, ignoring the stares of other customers in his direction. He quickly tapped out an urgent _IWA-CHAN THAT WASNT ME I SSWEA R_ before slamming his hands angrily on the table.

Kuroo laughed that ugly hyena laugh he always did. "I'm just helping you get some action!" he cackled in between wheezes.

Oikawa made a high-pitched huff, clenching his fists. He was tempted to reach over and strangle him, but he was cruelly reminded that he was in, in fact, a _public_ place and murder was against the law.

(Kuroo's hair was also against the law but best not mention that right now.)

His phone chirped, and Oikawa was almost afraid to look at it.

 

12:43 Yikes

 

"KUROO HE YIKES'D ME."

Kuroo's laughter only got louder.

Oikawa growled low in his throat. "I can get action on my _own_ , thank you!" he declared, and turned on his heel. "I'm leaving! I have a date with Iwa-chan later, anyways!" He stormed out of the coffee shop, the other patrons eyeing him oddly. He made a show of huffing dramatically as soon as he left.

He stomped back in not even 5 seconds later, ignoring Kuroo's laughter as he swiped his coffee and gave Kuroo an evil smirk. "And I'm taking _this_ with me!" Ignoring Kuroo's protests, he stormed out of the shop.

 

* * *

 

 

"Who was the guy texting me earlier through your phone?" Hajime asked. They were currently on their next date—this time, at Oikawa's house, _to watch alien movies and cuddle, it'll be fun Iwa-chan!!!_

The blush that took over Oikawa's face and tips of his ears was cute. "That... was my friend, Kuroo. He was, um, trying to get me some action, in his words."

"'Action'?" Hajime repeated.

Oikawa was quiet for a moment, and then he slowly turned his head towards him. His eyes were lidded, eyes glazed over with what looked like poorly-hidden desire. Hajime just barely noticed the way his body shifted closer, and how the temperature in the room seemed to suddenly spike.

"Oh, you know..." Oikawa drawled. " _Action_. "

His voice was practically _oozing_ the word _sex_. Hajime felt himself beginning to sweat, his face getting hot. Oikawa was incredibly close now, his long, thin fingers brushing along Hajime's wrist. Just before he was close enough to where they could kiss, Oikawa swerved around him and sauntered over to the couch.

Hajime swiveled around with a confused look, and then shivered once he saw the hungry look Oikawa was giving him.

"How about we start those alien movies?" he asked slowly, and laid across the couch, picking up the remote.

Hajime bit his lip. Even if he was a gigantic nerd, Oikawa was still stupidly and annoyingly _hot_. How could Hajime refuse an offer like this?

 

(They didn't even make it halfway into the first movie before they were all over each other.)

 

* * *

 

 

Oikawa let out a tired sigh as he propped his head up on his hand, letting his other trace circles into Hajime's bare chest. "So—"

"I'm not telling you about the aliens."

"BUT I SUCKED YOUR DICK AND _EVERYTHING_. "

 

* * *

 

 

Kuroo's phone buzzed, making him groan and shift him arm away from Kenma's waist. Once he took a look at the notification, his mouth went dry. 

A snap from Oikawa.

When he clicked on it, he was not prepared for the sight he saw.

"...Is that Tooru?" Kenma asked, leaning over. Kuroo felt tempted to shield his eyes, but he knew best of all that Kenma was no innocent kitten.

"Yes." Kuroo's voice was strained.

"And... is he...?"

"Taking pictures of himself with peace signs during sex?" Kuroo finished, and then set down his phone with a heavy sigh. "Yes, he is."

 

**Author's Note:**

> w ha t the fuck imc rygin
> 
> hmu at [tumblr](http://saltyiwaizumi.tumblr.com/) for more memes and aliens


End file.
